Hi,
In our middle school geography textbook, we read about a phenomenon called "4 o’clock rain". In the equatorial regions, the days are hot and there’s a lot of evaporation. By afternoon, as things start cooling down, all that moisture descends as rain at almost the same time every day.
The natural world loves order. Its greatest gift is its comforting predictability. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. There’s snow in the mountains. Water turns into gas and returns to us as water again. Every child knows these fundamental truths. When they go awry, we get chaos. "Which side did the sun rise today?!"
But predictability isn’t always comforting. The word for predictability gone rogue is anticipation.
In the past few weeks, my body and mind have been the site of a violent theatre of anticipation. Every afternoon, between 4 and 5pm, my heart starts pounding. My eyes start burning, like a thousand red ants are feasting on them. I cannot move my lips. I cannot sit. I cannot stand. I feel hot. I want to run to the bathroom and pour cold water on my head, bite into an ice cube or put my head inside the freezer. But it’s like I am nailed to my desk, where I generally am that time of the day.
But this still isn’t the worst feeling. The worst actually comes before all this, as the clock strikes 3. That’s when I start anticipating the daily anxiety attack.
It’s coming, I tell myself. Don’t just sit there. Do something. Do something now. But there’s nothing to do. It’s like watching a tragic movie for the hundredth time. You know the hero is going to make the wrong turn, where the villain is hiding with a shotgun. Don’t go there you fool, you want to scream. But he can’t hear you.
Why is this happening to me? I finally asked my therapist.
"Not you, us," she said.
"Another day gone, poof. Another day of not being productive enough. Time slipped through our fingers, and we’re left holding a crumpled Post-it note with an unbearably long to-do list mocking us. We failed again. What a waste of a day. What an utter, unforgivable waste. Can you relate to this? Do you think this is why your afternoons are hell – because there’s so much left to do, and the destruction outside reminds you that you may not have enough time?"
Yes. I do. Oh my god, I do.
Do you?
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