Hi,
Last week, I received two copies of a pink pamphlet, printed on cheap, see-through paper, with my morning newspaper. It advertised a medical (?) establishment with a name that would have interested Robin Cook, the king of medical thrillers: The Neuron.
Apart from the name itself, a contact number, and a URL which were in English, the rest of the pamphlet was in Hindi. It carried stock photos depicting people in various kinds of distress, and a brain with bright interconnected dots. See for yourself: below the photo, I have provided translations of all the things The Neuron claims to cure.
The Neuron’s list of magic cures
- Pain: headache, migraine, heaviness in the head, tingling in the head, cervical pain, back pain
- Sexual problems: A number of issues that can be clubbed under "lack of stamina", and other ills
- Addiction: Opium, heroin, addiction to a popular but controversial brand of cough syrup, injection (that’s all the pamphlet says - "injection"), sleeping pills
- Epilepsy: convulsions, brain seizures; somehow this category also includes "neend mein chalna" or sleepwalking
I thought of calling and taking an appointment and experiencing this miracle of modern medicine for myself, but was scared off by the thought of exposing my phone number to one more spammer. I thought I’d check out the website, but all I got was a message that the URL was up for sale. Strange.
The pamphlet says the clinic isn’t too far from where I live, so I am still very tempted to pay it an unscheduled visit. I will let you know if The Neuron managed to cure the nagging back pain I have had for years.
Genius is everywhere
This kind of pamphlet is by no means new to me. India faces a chronic shortage of mental-health professionals, but such advertisements are so commonplace – plastered all over local train compartments or building walls, or nailed to tree trunks – that their radical promises sadly evoke no excitement. Can you imagine if neuroscientists in Harvard and Stanford had claimed to cure "premature ejaculation" and published their phone numbers?
The tragedy of genius born in poor countries, I tell you.
There is something strikingly different about The Neuron’s pamphlet from the other varieties I generally encounter, though: its prominent use of three words – "neuro", "psychiatry", and "OPD". Most sellers of such incredible cures go by generic names meant to invoke the occult, like Baba Bangali or Tantrik So-and-So, available near such-and-such bridge or metro-rail pillar. They also offer respite from afflictions such as evil charms and hypnotism, and guarantee success in love, employment, and business. They make it abundantly clear that they are witch doctors, not to be confused with medical doctors.
The Neuron seems to be boldly embracing medical and scientific verbiage, presumably in a bid to win the confidence of a different target market: the type that reads elite English newspapers and is burdened with aches and pains, addiction, and trouble in bed.
Fascinating.
What miracle "cures" for "mental" problems have you encountered in your part of the world? Send me pictures.
Cheers.
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